Искам да изкрещя
Обърква ме лицемерието на хората. Злобичка. Дребнава точно колкото дребнави са душевните им терзания.
До колко си човек всъщност те определя способността ти да си съпричастен на околните. Егоцентризъм. "Аз съм центъра на Вселената. Моето мнение е изконно и крайно, окончателно. Ти не си прав!" Да, може би не съм права, но спрямо кого, спрямо кое? Кой в моя свят определя кое е вярно и кое не? А още повече кой е отправния критерий за правота?
Добрината. Какво е "добрина"?
Да, правим грешки. Постоянно грешим - спрямо себе си и околните. Но, отговаряйки си на въпроса "защо", разбираме кое и какво е предизвикало такова поведение. А дали си отговаряме правилно? А дали отсрещния не е имал нещо съвсем друго предвид?
Пуша, мисля си и все повече се обърквам. Вчера дъщеря ми каза: "Мамо, защо винаги трябва ти да си виновна? Понякога и другите хора имат вина!". (Боричкахме се с приятеля ми и си ударих жестоко палеца. Болеше ме много. Той се притесни, но наистина "вината" си беше моя.) Колко мъничка е моята дъщеричка, а на колко много неща ме учи.
Всъщност какво точно означава "вина"? Мързи ме да търся определението на думата. Асоциативно се сещам за друга случка - Антония ми разказва един ден със сълзи на очи как си играла с някакво гущерче. Само го милвала, нищо повече, ама то взело, че умряло. И тя плачеше. Плачеше, не защото гущерчето умряло, а защото щяла да иде в Ада. Е, точно това е Лошо!!! Мисля че Ада като понятие е най-ужасната лошотия на човечеството. Защото не обяснява нищо, а държи в Страх. Ето го и лицемерието - не ми пука за гущерчето, а ме е страх за мене си.
Раздробени на мънички частички, мислите ми се ръчкат.
Време е да си ходя. Днес той няма да дойде. Днес няма да се гушкаме. Трябва да издържа. А съм толкова щастлива в прегръдката му. Сякаш най-сетне съм си У Дома...
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